Alone
by littlethoughfierce
Summary: "You're my best friend Aria, I love you! I'm not going to let you destroy yourself!" Spencer cried "Spencer" she whispered "I don't have to destroy myself. He already did" Based off a sneak peak for 4x21


**I wrote this in anticipation for 4x21. It's based off one of the sneak peaks for the episode, they're on youtube if you would like to see them.**

"I don't care, i'm not leaving you"

The sight Spencer Hastings was witnessing was enough to break any heart. A few days ago, Aria had found out that Ezra, the love of her life, Was A. Their love had never been real, at least not to him anyways. Now Aria was curled up in her bed, wallowing in her own despair, the same place she had been since yesterday.

"I just want to be alone, Spencer" Aria's voice was monotone but Spencer could hear the pain underneath it. When Aria found out, she was alone in the woods without a ride. Spencer picked her up and let her cry in to her shoulder for hours upon hours.

Spencer ignored Aria's request and cautiously sat down in chair in Aria's room.

"Spencer, get out" Her voice was harsher this time but Spencer didn't take it to heart, she felt the same way when she thought Toby was A. Aria waited a few seconds for Spencer to move or respond or _something_. But she didn't, she sat there, totally still. Anger boiled inside Aria, hadn't she been through enough?

"I said, get out!" She shot up in her bed. The outburst opened up a door of emotions that she had kept bottled up inside. Fresh tears were beginning to cover where old ones left stains, her breathing was faster and uneasy and she buried a sob in to her pillow.

"Aria" Spencer moved closer to her, setting a comforting hand on her back. Aria immediately flinched away, moving away from Spencer, but Spencer sat on the bed, trying to pull her in to a hug. Aria fought, pulling away, crying for Spencer to leave her alone.

"Aria, please stop, please" Aria stopped fighting but pulled away from Spencer, bringing her knees up to her chest. Spencer looked over her friend, her eyes starting to burn with tears. Aria was _so_ broken, the slightest thing would set her off in to hysterics.

Spencer didn't dare touch her again, the last thing she wanted was to upset her more. "I know how it feels, Ar" Spencer chose her words carefully, walking on eggshells. Aria looked up at her for a millisecond and then looked back down at her knees, which she was still cradling to her chest.

"Remember when I thought Toby was A?" Aria didn't move "It hurt _so_ much" Spencer thought back to Toby in that black hoodie, a chill going down her spine. Aria sat still, ignoring the tear falling in to her lap.

"And that's how I know you shouldn't be alone, Aria" Aria looked up at her. It looked like she wanted to say something but didn't know what. Spencer reached to lay her hand on Aria's but she pulled away, refusing to let go of her isolation.

"Remember in the bathroom?" Now Aria was really listening "You _knew_ I wasn't okay. You knew I needed a friend" Spencer smiled slightly but Aria didn't return it.

"You didn't open the door"

"I know bu-" Spencer was cut off

"You didn't let me in!"

"And I should have!"

Aria shook her head and then buried it in to her knees, silently sobbing. _No_ Spencer thought _Please_

"I said I needed a friend" Aria peeked from her knees to see what she had to say "I didn't say I wanted one"

It wasn't enough. Aria went back to her tears "Just go!"

Spencer didn't talk, didn't move. Aria moved from her ball position to look Spencer in the eye

"Can you not hear me?" She growled "I want to be alone, LET ME BE ALONE!" She threw a pillow off her bed, shattering a picture frame.

"ARIA!" Spencer grabbed Aria's arms and was surprised to see she didn't fight back "I'm not leaving you alone!"

"You're my best friend Aria, I love you! I'm not going to let you destroy yourself!" Spencer cried

"Spencer" She whispered "I don't have to destroy myself. He already did"

Spencer stared at her a moment in shock, her mouth agape. She frantically searched for the right words in her head but came up with nothing. Instead she put her hands behind Aria's head and pulled her in to her chest, wrapping her arms tightly around her.

Aria sobbed as hard as she had the day she found out, gasping for breaths of air, and willing for the pain to be gone. Spencer rubbed her back and combed her fingers through Aria's hair, that always calmed her down.

By the time Aria had stopped sobbing, they were both laying down on her bed, Spencer's arm was still wrapped securely around Aria's shaking body.

"Aria?" Spencer looked over to see Aria was fast asleep. Spencer sighed and slipped hard arm out from under Aria. She should feel happy that her friend was no long crying or screaming and was finally getting some peace, but she didn't. All she could think about was how broken she was. Sure she was calm now, but what about when she woke up? The pain was still going to be there and there was nothing Spencer could do to stop it. She felt helpless.

Spencer got out of bed and covered Aria with a blanket, careful not to wake her. She grabbed one of Aria's books off her shelf and plopped down in a chair, passing the time until Aria would wake up.

20 minutes later, Spencer's "To Kill a Mockingbird" was interrupted by small groans and whimpers coming from the other side of the room. Spencer looked up to see Aria sleeping fitfully. Spencer put down the book, not bothering to mark her page, and went up to the bed. She hovered over Aria, deciding whether to wake her or not. Before she could decide, Aria shot up in bed, gasping for air.

"Aria, are you-" But before Spencer could finish, Aria jumped out of bed and pushed past Spencer. At first Spencer thought that she was trying to make a run for it but instead, she darted to her desk, collapsed to her knees, and dry heaved in to her waste basket.

"Oh, sweetie" Spencer's heart wrenched. She sat by Aria and held her hair back as Aria coughed over the garbage. Aria sat back and wiped her mouth. She didn't know what happened. She had been dreaming about the first time she met Ezra. "I'd like to know more about you" his voice was so seductive and sweet, she had nearly swooned. Then she remembered all of the lies, none of the things he had said were true. He tried to kill all of her friends, he broke up her parents,_ he _took her virginity. And suddenly she had just felt sick.

Now, she was too exhausted to sob. She hadn't eaten in nearly 48 hours and the room was spinning.

"You, okay?" Spencer voice was so gentle, Aria felt bad for screaming at her.

"I can't cry anymore, Spence" She leaned her head back on the desk and closed her eyes. Spencer just nodded sympathetically and helped her back in to bed. To Aria's surprised Spencer slipped under the covers next to her and didn't say a word.

They sat in silence for so long that Aria had begun to wonder if Spencer was asleep, but every time she looked over, Spencer was awake and alert.

"Spencer?"

"Mhm?" Spencer listened intently, overjoyed that Aria was talking.

"When does it stop hurting?" Aria bit back tears

"Huh?" Spencer acted confused but she knew exactly what Aria meant. And she hated to have to answer it.

"When you found out about Toby. When did it start to hurt less?" Spencer didn't want to say anything but Aria just seemed so desperate for an answer, for help.

"It didn't" Spencer watched as Aria's face fell, as if to say she had lost all hope "But it got easier to bear"

"What do you mean?"

"I found little things that made me happy" Spencer smiled a little, wanting to lighten to mood "Or happi_er_ anyways"

"Like what?" Aria seemed lost

"Like.." Spencer took a moment to think "Like when you guys would sleep over to try and cheer me up. Or when i would play a game of scrabble, read a book I like, or when Hanna would make her coffee order really complicated just to mess with Emily" Aria laughed a little at the last one.

"See?" Spencer grabbed Aria's wrist "There's little things to be happy about" Spencer smiled at Aria, hoping for one back. Instead, Aria wrapped an arm around her friend and Squeezed her tight.

"Thank you, Spencer" Spencer happily squeezed back. For the first time in what seemed like forever Aria was _actually_ hugging her. Spencer wasn't forcing it and Aria wasn't consumed by sobs. She was genuinely hugging Spencer. Spencer almost felt like she had her old best friend back.

But they both knew that there was a long, bumpy road ahead of them.

**Annnd there's still 5 more days until the episode. ****Maybe if I try hard enough, I can just sleep through all of them**

**Please, review! I love hearing feedback from you guys so much.**


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